Ramblings

(*Please note that this is very random and moody and written over several days.  This post shows exactly why I am on happy pills and why I shouldn't let them lapse.  I fall into a rut and a depressed mood and write stuff like this over the course of days and don't think to post it.  Now that I am in a better mood and my happy pills are back on track and I am looking over my drafts, I could choose to not post this at all, but I feel like sharing today.  So enjoy and be warned and my apologies*)

With the mood I'm in as a write this, I have a feeling this is going to be a long, not so warm and fuzzy, post. So just be warned.

We got awesome news about Mitch not having to go thru chemo anymore, but right now the bad outweighs that in my life and it sucks. I am being severely disillusioned with the "American Dream" this morning. I am married, we have a car (but only the one) and a house and we both have stable, good paying jobs. These should be great, wonderful things. So why aren't they? I like having a house that has nothing to speak of wrong with it, but I am really tired of the split entry and the small kitchen, small bathrooms and the laundry being in a bathroom and the yard absolutely sucks and I am so not looking forward to spending another year trying to make it not suck with not enough funds to really make any kind of dent in that fact and neither of us like the location. It makes me sick that the market took such a dive right after we bought and now houses in places I would much rather be are far cheaper and nicer than what we ended up with but we're now stuck because of said dive. We were stupid and bought at the edge of our limit and are now upside down and cannot refinance, streamline or sell. We have good paying jobs but because of the house, we can't afford to do anything extra. We can't afford a second vehicle, we can't afford to go anywhere or do anything super fun. I stress and have anxiety over the thought of just getting my hair cut (even tho I know I can spend the 10 or 20 bucks and be fine) and we both need clothes, how are we supposed to pull that off? If we had stayed in a stupid apartment, none of the extra would even be worth batting an eye at. We could have and buy what we needed and wanted and even put money away! We were doing just that before.

Now? Savings? Whats that? Sure we could get a credit card and live the American Stereotype and have our cake and eat it too, but I can't stand debt or being beholden to anyone. What little bit of debt we have eats at me as it is. I have lived my life this long without owning credit cards, I can live the rest without one too. I have made the mistake of having store cards and paid the price for it. We have three cards right now and no more and one of which I had no choice about, the other two we are good about not keeping a balance. I have an RC Willey card that has nothing on it that I only got it at all to build my credit when I was younger (we have used it to get furniture here and there tho) and Andy has a gas card that we use to improve his credit and pay it off monthly since it's an expense we would have to pay regardless. The other is a care card we got when we had to put my dog down because we had no choice due to no other way to pay his bills. That would not exist if we hadn't purchased a house.

I have also come to realise that I am not a fan of yard work. At least not for a yard that spent so many years being neglected before it came into our hands. Too bad we bought with snow still on the ground and couldn't see the true damage. I think if we had a yard already done and pretty I would have no problems maintaining it. I don't mind mowing or pulling weeds unless I am mowing more weeds than lawn and have more weeds than flowers, not to mention the voles that have swiss-cheesed the back yard. I think it would be easier if I could find someone to till it all up and if we could have sprinklers installed, at least then any seed we put down would have a chance.

Anyway, on top of this I have come back to work after four days off and got hit hard how much I don't like my job right now. It's boring work and I have no one to talk to really. I am surrounded by people I can't relate to very well and who aren't inclined to talk much. I actually wish I could work from home on a regular basis or work part-time, or not at all. Not at all would be nice, I could keep up on all the housework and Andy wouldn't have to worry about any of it and I'd be happy doing it.

So I don't like our house and I don't like my job and now I have come to realise that my dad is absolutely serious about moving. He is selling the farm (no pun intended). It's been in our family for three generations now. My great grandfather built the place (I think). Even tho I get put to work when we get there, it's my get-a-way spot. Andy proposed to me down there. It's always been there! Plus what little relationship I have with my dad will now be even smaller. He's moving out of state. We now have no money to travel. He's never, ever once come to visit me either. What now? No, that's not true. He came up briefly to swap out the locks on the house when we first bought it. But not before and not since. Ever. For that matter, no one comes to just visit us. Sure people come when we have them over for dinner and we throw a party, but no one just voluntarily comes over just to say hi. I wish we still lived close to my sister. Her and I dropped in on each other all the time then. Now we're just too busy and too far away.

When my dad first said he was going to sell, I thought he was just toying with the idea and using it as an excuse to finally go thru stuff, but he is actually getting rid of things. The sewing machine is now at my sister's waiting for us to go get it. The cows are gone, all but the bulls and two beef cows and I was told this morning the fifth wheel is gone. Stuff has been taken off the walls. I have heard he's going to put the machinery up for auction too. He's actually serious! This is very upsetting to me.

I really need some positive in my life. I need good things to come my way. My husband is a bright point on my life and I really need to visit with my mom more. She's a bright point too. I used to go to my mom's every weekend. I got out of the habit when my husband started being frustrated about the frequency (EVERY weekend? he would say lol). I should just go down alone when he is feeling antisocial. I like that we both have a job and I like that we have a roof over our heads. I like our pets and I like our car. I like our families and all our friends. I just need a kick in the pants and a change from the day to day. None of the options to truly change the things I don't like are appealing to me, although I did some more job hunting this morning. It's not very hopeful.

I think I need to seriously go through the other two rooms that need going through with the thought of moving in mind and get rid of as much as possible. We may never move again due to being stuck and fear of ways to get unstuck, but at least things would be ready to go if things get desperate. Going back to an apartment is very unappealing except for the fact that we would have money to put away again and if anything goes wrong it's someone elses problem to fix, and there's no yard work to do....and maybe it's not so unappealing...but I think I'd rather be in a duplex or condo or something similar. A cheaper, smaller house with a smaller yard would be really nice. But can't buy if we can't sell....grrr I hate this economy.

Ooh I just got a bit of good news! My friend Kristie is getting moved to the cubie in front of me! I'll have someone to talk to again! That will make work life a little better anyway.

I really should create a separate blog for my WoW adventures and endeavors because I keep wanting to blog about them but knowing I have many readers that would have no clue what I'm talking about I usually don't.