I need to stop doing that. I have missed blogging about several things that have happened the last couple of weeks. I may post about them later, but not now.
Right now, my mind is on other things, more immediate things. Things like, gluten free, being the go-to person, being too lazy, too many decisions and too many bills.
I am depressed and frustrated over being gluten free. It's frustrating, expensive, depressing, and maybe not worth it. Our grocery bill has gone up which we can't really afford. I have anxiety and stress about meal times anyway, and now those feelings are compounded. It's very difficult to decide what to eat and almost a blow at each new thing I realize I can't have. Do I need to be gluten free, or just wheat free? I don't know. I am super depressed about food and have zero comfort foods left to me which makes it worse. I really wish I could just not eat at all, but my body and mind (and husband) get very angry with me when I don't. When I do give in and have wheat products I do not have the immediate, horrible reactions that my sister and boss have. I have also discovered that the gain isn't as much as I thought at first. I still hurt. I still have headaches. Not as much and not as often, but I still do. When I do have something I shouldn't, I usually don't feel it until almost two days later and all it is, is a little more pain, a little more fatigue, a headache. Is this small reaction worth the huge amount of stress and anxiety I am experiencing over having to plan out, and think far more about meal times than I usually do? Is it worth my husband now stressing over what to make too? Also, I had gotten my so-called hypoglycemia issue figured out, that it wasn't that at all but a protein deficiency. I had found a balance and very rarely experienced the hangries anymore. Now, it's back. Is that worth it? I don't know. I have to think about it some more. I do like Udi bread for the most part, but I can't wad it up in a ball and nibble it down (a learned thing from my mom that I love to do and it drives my hunny batty LOL), I discovered gluten free oreos this week that are actually good and fairly close to the real thing and are good dipped in milk, but are stupid expensive. I like Nut Crackers. We have been eating more rice which is something I've been pushing for anyway, I love rice. I have discovered corn tortillas (the soft ones) and decided I like them better in some ways. I can still have my beloved cottage cheese and fresh fruit in the morning, but none of it, except the cottage cheese if I take canned fruit instead of fresh, is grab and go. Unless you consider corn chex cereal grab and go? Also a favorite. Anyway, the cons are starting to outweigh the pros.
I like my job, I am good at my job, I am good at what I do. But everyone is starting to know it, I was able to keep it quiet before. I am starting to miss my quiet corner. I didn't realize just how nice it was to be in the corner. I have started helping train my fellow employees on how to do my job. I get asked all the questions. I really like being needed and feeling important and I like getting asked the questions, but the days that I literally cannot get a single, five minute, task done in an hour's time, I want to scream. I want to put on my headphones and turn on my book nice and loud and just get my work done without a single interruption. Good thing I know those days will lesson as people become more familiar with what they are doing. I like days like today where I get praised over and over again for making someone's day because I knew the answer and could get it taken care of right then and there. It makes me feel really good and most certainly helps my mood. The bad times are coming and I need all the good days I can get. For four or so months of the year, my job turns into hell and it's coming. It's coming soon.
I think I get a little more lazy every year, and I don't like it. My to-do list and need-to-do list keep getting longer and only I can get them done. My husband will only do very few without me pushing him which is sometimes the equivalent of me just doing it myself. I have a front fence that is litterally falling down. I have three rooms in my house that are full of junk and need to be seriously gone thru and cleaned out. I have a storage room that is in dire need of reorganization. I have furniture I need to post on ksl and rooms to rearrange. In that process, I have carpets to clean. Fall is coming, will I have the funds and energy needed to use weed killer once again and finally get seed down before snow flies? I have a driveway once again full of weeds that need to meet the grim reaper. I need to seriously de-web my entire house especially the deck and basement door, (and upstairs shower LOL) areas.
Our FSA department asked for a substantiation on a claim I made so I sent in proof that it was a valid bill. Instead of taking the substantiation, they thought it was a claim and refunded the money. We spent it before we really knew what it was. Now they want it back. They locked up our benny card. Now I can't easily pay for medical bills. Husband had a sleep study at the end of July and I know our cost for it will be enough to offset the amount the FSA messed up and refunded to us. They will release everything and everything will be back to good if I can turn it in to them. The stupid hospital has not turned it in for processing yet. I don't have an EOB to give them. They started payroll deductions to pay back what they refunded out and shouldn't have. I want to cry. We don't have enough on hand to simply put it back. I wish I had paid closer attention when they refunded it. It hit not too long after Husband got a raise and so I thought it was his check that came in.
All our debt started looming at me, even tho in the big picture, it isn't all that much. All these things I've just talked about started bearing down on me. My chest started feeling tight and I was having a hard time breathing Sunday morning. I had a break down Sunday night. I dealt with a day long anxiety attack Monday.
But then we sat down and formed a plan. Our bills are paid and until the big medical bill hits, we will be able to pay the little ones. We are going to go to the bank and see if we can get a low interest credit card and consolidate our many store cards into one low interest bill, so I only have one big monthly payment to worry about instead of four or five small payments. This will actually save us several hundred dollars as several of our store cards (with, really, only a few hundred on each with the exception of the computers) have high interest rates and one is on a 0% interest that we aren't going to get paid off in time and so if we do this we can and they won't tack on the year's worth of deferred interest. We will also then have an emergency card which we have been talking about getting anyway. Neither of us will carry it with us.
The chores will get done. One at a time. Bit by bit. Hopefully....
