Little Steps

We weren't sure just what we were going to do today, but Friday kind of changed the whole weekend for us.  We decided to go to my mom's for the holiday bbq after all, which I always love, but Andy is funny sometimes when it comes to family.  His side works a lot different than mine, but I have found most families do.  It's not that his family doesn't love each other, cause they do, they just don't get together as often as mine and sometimes I think it overwhelms him.  He loves my side of the family tho, so it confuses me sometimes when he doesn't want to go.  I don't fault him for it and we compromise a lot on get togethers.  I have done well today and did well at the bbq.  It was really good to see everyone that was there and get a hug from mom, I really needed that.

As the weekend has gone on, I have done little things here and there to say goodbye in my own way and help myself move on.  I hung his collar on my bedside lamp for now so I can see it.  I put the rug and the scale back in the bathroom.  Andy put his dishes away.  We do a little each day.  Tonight I was being bothered by his kennel.  It was too difficult to have it there, but I didn't want to put it away.  I keep looking at it expecting him to be there and it is just too hard.  I had to put it away.  It was the hardest thing yet to do since Friday.  I cried. Andy had to help me.  I miss him.  I want him back.  I know it's for the best, but how do you let go of such a wonderful soul that has been in your life for more than half of it?  Now I've gotten myself crying again.

I think it has finally hit Lily that he isn't coming back.  She has been acting weirded out since we put the kennel away.  She has gone over to sniff the spot twice now and has gone into the bathroom once.  She's acting mopy now too.  She's acting the same as when her last puppy was sold. 

Andy and I were talking about him tonight after I settled down a bit and he had a deje vu moment.  For some reason that actually helped me a little.  I have been told my entire life that deje vu means you are where you are supposed to be.  Whatever you believe, I believe this.  So, as much as I don't like it, things are as they should be.